People-pleasing has become a modern plague for many women.
Driven by the pressure to be accommodating and agreeable, they can’t help but say “yes” even when that harms their well-being.
What many don’t realize is that people-pleasing starts in childhood, and it’s deeply rooted in how we are raised.
Traditional discipline and conditional love
If you’re reading this story, odds are that you’ve been raised with traditional discipline — like many of us were.
Growing up, “good” behavior was praised, while “bad” behavior was punished, with little attention given to understanding the emotions or needs behind it. Rewards and punishments were probably used as a way to encourage obedience and compliance, and you were usually expected to follow rules without question.
Whether this is an accurate description of your upbringing or not, it is how the vast majority of us were raised.
The problem with this approach is that it often disregards a child’s feelings and individuality.
By placing the focus on obedience, traditional discipline often shuts down authentic self-expression and ends up blaming, shaming, and punishing children for simply acting their age.
Instead of fostering an environment in which children feel safe to be themselves, this approach disconnects them from their inner voice.
When arguing is seen as entitled and ungrateful, and expressing needs is labeled as selfish, children learn to suppress their emotions to avoid making adults uncomfortable, with consequences that ripple throughout their adult lives, as well.
Because when a girl learns that her worth is based on pleasing others — being quiet, nice, and compliant — she grows into a woman who will likely suppress her true self in an attempt to avoid conflict and feel worthy.
The Good Girl Trap
Because of this kind of upbringing, many women get trapped in a cycle of seeking approval at the expense of their authenticity.
- They say “yes” to avoid conflict, because they are used to prioritizing others’ comfort over their own well-being.
- They suppress their authentic emotions, pushing down anger and frustration to maintain harmony.
- They are paralyzed by fear of failure because good girls are perfect and don’t make mistakes.
- They struggle to assert their needs, and always prioritize those of others instead.
- They lack self-confidence and self-esteem, and rely on external validation to feel worthy.
The result? Depression, frustration, and burnout.
Is being a “good girl” worth the cost?
How to break the good girl cycle
Breaking free from people-pleasing starts with unconditional self-love — not for who others expect us to be, but for who we truly are. It means shedding the belief that our worth is tied to external approval and learning to listen to the inner voice we’ve long ignored.
What does this process look like? It begins by reconnecting with our feelings — a practice that can feel unfamiliar or even uncomfortable at first. From there, it requires honoring and validating those emotions without judgment, creating space to fully experience them. Finally, we can connect with our needs and meet them in ways that align with our values and respect our boundaries.
The magic? When we show up as our true selves not only do we feel better, avoid a lot of unnecessary stress, and free up energy for what matters most, but we also invite deeper connection and trust into our relationships.
Authenticity allows us to communicate openly and honestly, creating space for healthier boundaries and more meaningful interactions. It shifts our focus from trying to meet others’ expectations to building relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
When we let go of people-pleasing, the right people stay, and the relationships that remain become richer, more fulfilling, and genuinely aligned with who we are.
Are you ready to break this cycle?
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