Raising Whole Children [Part I]

Are you familiar with the concept of shadow work?

The idea behind it is that when we were little, our caretakers made us feel like some parts of us were unwelcome and unacceptable. To fulfill our need for love and belonging, we locked locked these parts away in our subconscious.

Unfortunately, these “shadow” aspects continue to influence our lives, often in ways we don’t understand. Besides, what’s in our shadow often isn’t bad, it’s just misunderstood.

As caretakers, it’s crucial that we try not to make the same mistakes, and make our children feel accepted in all aspects of themselves. By doing so, we raise “whole” children — individuals who embrace every nuance of their personality and learn to channel their challenging traits constructively.

The pitfalls of traditional discipline

Traditional discipline often leverages a child's need for love, belonging, and acceptance to enforce compliance. By doing that, it causes terrible damage to a child's psyche and breeds an adult who will likely struggle with self-worth, anxiety, and emotional regulation.

This approach leads children to repress traits that are invaluable assets when harnessed and guided positively. Assertiveness and strong will are two of them, for example.

While I don’t believe humans are born entirely “good,” part of our growth as a conscious species is learning to channel certain instincts in ways that serve us and our communities. So no matter how inconvenient the behavior of our children might be, if we want to raise whole adults we must refrain from trying to suppress it and instead find ways to guide them in managing them positively.

Guiding our children’s natural instincts

As an example, my three-year-old’s instinct when frustrated is to hurt his baby brother. My first, instinctual reaction, is of yelling at him, threaten him, or even physically push him. But that would be immature, unfair, unhelpful, and even hypocritical of me.

Children need support to learn alternatives to impulsive responses, so they don’t feel wrong for having these instincts but instead learn constructive ways to handle them (and the same goes for us, the parents, by the way). This developmental process requires patience, presence, and full intentionality.

Another example is a strong-willed child. Parents sometimes view defiance as inconvenient, but this trait, if nurtured, can become a strength. A child who learns their determination is valuable will grow up confident and resilient, while one who is discouraged may grow into an anxious adult, prone to people-pleasing.

Raising whole children

As I said, part of our job as conscious parents is to help our children channel their challenging traits constructively and guide them into finding ways to honor both their individuality and the well-being of others. For example:

We can teach a child with aggressive tendencies to manage frustration without causing harm.
We can validate strong-willed children’s determination and also help them understand that, at times, flexibility is necessary.
We can honor our children’s caution and reservedness, instead of labeling them as “shy” and pushing them to do things they don’t want to do
We can validate their questions and wonder, even if their curiosity is inconvenient or uncomfortable. This builds confidence and encourages exploration.
We can appreciate their emotional sensitivity as empathy, and rather than labeling them as “too sensitive,” frame this trait as empathy and help them find healthy ways to manage strong feelings.
Instead of scolding them for their impulsive behavior, we can help them redirect that energy to creative outlets or physical activities where they can channel it positively.

Something that works well with my child is explaining to him how there are many parts inside of him that can coexist harmoniously (I borrowed this theory - which I wholeheartedly agree with - from IFS). This helps start a healthy internal dialogue while also helping me, as a mom, tackle difficult conversations.

For practical strategies on how to raise whole children, read the second part of this story.