Raising Whole Children: Practical Strategies

I talked about this in a previous story: to raise happy, resilient children, we must accept their full range of traits and guide them in channeling challenging behavior constructively.

Here, let’s explore practical strategies to help them express themselves in ways that honor both their individuality and the well-being of others.

Assertiveness is defined as “the quality of being confident and not frightened to say what you want or believe” (Cambridge Dictionary). It’s a valuable trait, but sadly, children’s assertiveness is often repressed when they’re encouraged to be “polite” or “obedient” above all else, especially in family or social settings.

To foster healthy assertiveness, allow children to express their thoughts without fear. This means letting go of the “you’re in trouble” mindset and listening without judgment. Prioritize empathy and validation instead of dismissing their needs with statements like “there’s nothing to be afraid of” or “be a good girl/boy and do what I ask.”

Instead of repeating cycles that caused pain for us and previous generations, let them say “no,” and help them connect with their needs by asking questions. Modeling assertiveness is also essential. Children learn by watching us, so let’s practice expressing our needs clearly and kindly.

As parents, we often try to “fix” our children’s sadness or frustration because it’s hard to see them struggle. But teaching them to avoid difficult feelings won’t serve them long-term. Instead, we can help them accept and articulate their emotions by acknowledging them first: “I see you’re really upset about this.”

It can be challenging because many of us weren’t encouraged to share our feelings, so we may lack the emotional literacy to support our children this way. Working on overcoming our own past conditioning and enriching our emotional vocabulary is crucial, if we want to help our kids with that.

How often do we ignore our children’s “no”s? While some instances require us to override their preferences (like taking medication), in other situations, we can respect their boundaries.

For example, we can ask “Would you like a hug?” before hugging them, and respect their answer.

Normalizing these choices reinforces their autonomy and helps them develop a strong sense of personal boundaries. Statements like, “Your body is yours, and you decide who you want to hug or high-five,” remind them that they have a right to choose.

Labels shape children’s self-perception, so we need to be mindful of how we frame their behaviors and focus on the positive qualities underlying their challenging traits.

For example:

And then guide them in finding ways to channel these traits constructively.

For older children, we can encourage self-reflection by asking questions like, “What did you like about how you handled that?” and “What will you do differently next time?”. This can help them recognize when their challenging traits work well and when they might need adjustment.

Children ask questions constantly, and we don’t always have the patience or resources to follow them down any rabbit hole.

However, it’s important that we learn to promote this curiosity and encourage them to ask questions freely, even if they seem challenging or uncomfortable.

We can also ask them thought-provoking questions like, “What would you do if…?” to promote flexible thinking and creativity.

Making mistakes is vital for a child’s growth—and so is knowing it’s okay to make them. Instead of scolding them for errors, let’s frame mistakes as part of a healthy learning process. We can also share our own mistakes and how we learned from them.

Also, let’s fight our urge to jump in and solve things for them, and let them try to work things out on their own. For example, if they’re struggling with a puzzle or toy, encourage them by saying, “I think you can figure this out if you keep trying.”

Modeling emotional regulation is the best way to teach it.

When you’re feeling frustrated, narrate your approach out loud: “I’m feeling upset, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.” This gives children practical tools they can use when they feel overwhelmed.

You can also play mindfulness games or help them calm down by breathing together, singing a soothing song, or gently stroking their arm to focus on their body. Once calm, check in to see if they want to discuss what happened. This is a great opportunity to connect feelings to words and talk about how to handle similar situations in the future.

Raising “whole” children means giving them the tools they need to handle life’s challenges with confidence, empathy, and resilience.

These small but powerful shifts don’t just help our children develop; they also deepen the parent-child connection, creating a home environment where everyone feels valued, respected, and loved for who they truly are.

For more inspiration on how to foster a peaceful environment in your home, grab the free mini-guide 9 parenting shifts to reduce resistance and promote collaboration.